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What happens when true forgiveness does not happen, and what does true forgiveness look like?
When Jacob and Esau met, Jacob did not bring up his hurtful behavior in the past or apologize for it. Neither did he ask what he could do to make things right. Esau was comfortable with Jacob and wanted him to move near him. Jacob was not comfortable around Esau and had excuses for not doing so. Their relationship was never really healed.
Forgiveness is hard. Do we forgive because God forgave us so much, or do we forgive because we desire to receive God’s forgiveness? God gives us salvation before we have a chance to forgive anyone else, but as we pray the Lord’s Prayer, we are asking God to forgive us as we forgive the people around us.
Forgiveness is when you are able to tell the person who wronged you that the pain is real, but grace is stronger than the pain. You need not excuse their offense. We must also realize that the person has value in God’s eyes. You have felt the weight of their offense, but you believe they have value because they are created in God’s image. All of mankind was created in the image of God. If we can see the image of God in the person who has harmed us, it helps us to extend forgiveness.
Suffering and pain are not good, but God is able to bring beauty out of ashes and make bad things work together for good. God extended the great gift of forgiveness to us, which we can never repay.
Forgiveness does not remove punishment and is not the same thing as reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still not feel safe in their presence. Neither does forgiveness heal all the effects of childhood trauma, for example.
If you are the offender and are truly repentant, you will go to the person you have offended. You are not only confessing to God but to an individual. You should confess the wrong you did without excuse. Be truly sorry and offer an apology. Acknowledge the pain you have caused. Tell the person that they are valuable to you and that the way you treated them communicated they were not valuable. Make restitution if possible.
Zacchaeus was a wealthy man. When he realized his greed and found Jesus, he acknowledged his sin and gave half of his money away. He also went to the people from whom he had dishonestly taken money and gave four times that amount back to them. He, who had been rich, became poor! But he was far richer than he had ever been before.
Forgiveness requires giving up holding something against someone in order to gain peace.